*Just to be clear I don't have a PhD, I don't have any credentials to back this up. This is purely from my own life experiences and my basic understanding of psychology.*
I hate the word "Bully". It makes the whole thing sound juvenile, like it's not a real problem. Let's call it what it is: Harassment. It doesn't just happen when you're a child or teenager. There are bullies out there in adulthood. Don't get me wrong, most adults are mature enough to move on from this, so dealing with it as an adult is not very common.
But there are those that never grew up or they have something going on in their lives that make them regress back to when they were in school.
I'm a victim of bullying. Did it have long term effects even into adulthood? Yes. Sorry to all the parents of children who have been dealing with this, but it's true. There are many ways in which I was affected and too many to name here. In other ways it made me a lot stronger in the end. "I'm a survivor, I'm not gonna give up, I'm not gonna stop, I'm gonna work harder." And all that wonderful stuff from that Destiny's Child song.
Over the years I've looked back on it to try to figure out why it happened and then when my nieces started to go through it and I took a really hard look at the situation. Everyone is a participant when bullying/harassment happens and here are the basic groups of people during any kind of incident.
1. The Ring Leader: Your basic Rachel McAdams from Mean Girls. The kid who pushes you into a locker and does most of the talking. Usually the one kids think about when they're being bullied this person comes to mind as someone they honestly wished didn't exist.
What my mother told me when I was a kid and I think is really still true to this day is that they're so unhappy in their own life for whatever reason and they don't know how to express it so they take it out on someone else to make themselves feel better. Sure, that's simplifying the situation but in most cases it does turn out to be true.
2. The Kids Who Join In: The one egging the Ring Leader on or joining in on whatever they're saying or doing. Usually they do this for the same reasons as the Ring Leader but there's also the fact they do this because they want to appear cooler or become popular.
3. The Kids Who Ignore It: They're the ones passing by who pretends it's not happening. It's either they don't have the courage to stand up to bullies or (and this one is the most true) they don't want the attention thrown their way. When good men do nothing and all that.
4. The Victim: As much as you want to stop bullying it's probably not going to go away any time soon. I'm not saying don't try to stop it but if someone really wants to do it they will. The best thing to do is to find the strength within yourself. It's not going to last forever. Always keep in mind that if you can get through it, it will make you a stronger and better person afterwards.
The other thing you can do is find someone who will listen. If you can't talk to a parent, talk to another adult, teacher or family friend about it. If you feel you can't do that then find the thing that makes you happy and focus on that.
When I was a kid, I would talk to my mother. At other times I was always writing. I also was into fandoms as a kid before they were called fandoms. I would use my imagination to escape the situation. It still works for me today. In other words, find an outlet. Take what you love and put all of your emotions into it.
If you're brave enough, here's another suggestion: When the Ring Leader is alone and coming for you just stop them and honestly ask "What's wrong?" Trust me there will be confusion but honestly ask them why they feel the need to hurt you all the time. Ask them what's going on in their own life that makes them so obviously unhappy. It will stop them in their tracks because no one ever asks them.
Bullies and the victims go through the same thing and they don't even know it. Low self-esteem, feeling like no one cares, anger. The difference is that victims take out their feelings on themselves where bullies take it out on others.
Before I forget...
5. The Brave Ones: The ones who actually see bullying happen and stop it. This is unfortunately very rare. If anyone has the courage to do it then by all means, please do so,
My problem has been that because I was a victim I desperately want to be a Brave One, but my insecurities sometimes pop into my head stopping me. There have been times though where I've been pushed to my limit and I will step up for myself and/or others.
There's also walking away from the situation. Sometimes people are just not worth it. Learning when to fight back and when to walk away is one of the most difficult things to figure out. Everyone is different on what their limits are.
My take on it: If it's someone I don't know then I don't care. I just walk away. If it's someone I know and see on a regular basis then I will deal with it. I only care if it's friends or family who try to pull this crap on me, then they get an ear full. Usually I wait until my anger has dissipated to the point where I'm not going to say something I'm going to regret.
The thing to keep in mind is that you want to stop the behaviour, not hurt their feelings so badly that there's no coming back from that.
Anyway, I can go on and on about this issue until I'm blue in the face. I'll probably write more later but for now, thanks for reading my rant.
